http://thepunchlineismachismo.com/archives/comic/04262010
That is all.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Brain Barf: RPG = WTF
Grargalarg to the spambots.
Been tearing about in various games, mostly that Rim Sky thing.
Starting thinking about things and came up with something I doubt is original, but wanted to say anyway: RPG backgrounds are frickin' weird.
Do not get me wrong; I'm pretty hardcore in my addiction to the vidya game monster mashing and looting. It's just that, well, I've also been doing this for-frickin'-ever.
Take the Elder Scrolls games. The least bizarre thing is that the local furries are all crack heads. Its so pervasive I'm amazed "WillYiff4Skooma" isn't a meme. Maybe I should fix that.
Those moons? The corpse of a god. By the way, from what I gather about the lore, there's a third black moon out there. Totally not a Dragonlance reference. Also when the three are aligned properly, its extremely significant to the cat-folk. That's the plot of a whole damn Dragonlance book, damn it.
And these are tame compared to some of the other crap in there. Celtic Zulu with plant hearts. A god whose background reads like what would happen if the Kama Sutra became a religious text. Artificial gods made from mech-sized golems that break time over their knees.
Like, damn man.
It got me thinking. Other RPGs are usually no slouches in the bizarre department either.
Take Chrono Cross. We start with the primary (but largely ignored and all but unexplained) antagonist being a fusion of a giant space termite thing and a princess. It manages to manipulate all of space and time within the game world, creating two primary antagonist factions. The first is a supercomputer and it minions from the future, set adrift in the past and watching over the descendants of their creators, using what amounts to hypnotherapy and eugenics to get its way. The second, somewhat nastier bunch, is a city of dinosaur-descended reptile folk ripped from an alternate universe by the planet itself as a counter. Highlights include these elemental golem...doll...things, and a biocomputer that is an embodiment of all the local magical elements and happens to be a dragon with some sort of jewel laser mouth cannon. Oh, and after an apocalyptic battle with the first bunch, the biocomputer was fractured into seven dragon gods; three in one universe, three in another, and the seventh set adrift to screw around with main characters.
All this nuttiness is compounded by nobody bothering to explain this crap until the two final dungeons of the game! This was right when Square was in the middle of there hipster-esque "minimal explanation means maximum profundity" phase.
This is only two examples out of the many, many RPGs out there.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not some dullard that only goes for smash-and-grab, screw-the-plot antics. I love having complex stories and interesting backgrounds. There's a reason I own stuff like Tactics Ogre, Atelier Iris 1-3 (not at straightforward as they seem, trust me), multiple SaGa games, and so on and so on. But sometimes, I really don't get why game writers seem to come up with stuff that requires enough hits to buzz a Grateful Dead concert to actually figure out.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find something uncomplicated to do for a while.
Been tearing about in various games, mostly that Rim Sky thing.
Starting thinking about things and came up with something I doubt is original, but wanted to say anyway: RPG backgrounds are frickin' weird.
Do not get me wrong; I'm pretty hardcore in my addiction to the vidya game monster mashing and looting. It's just that, well, I've also been doing this for-frickin'-ever.
Take the Elder Scrolls games. The least bizarre thing is that the local furries are all crack heads. Its so pervasive I'm amazed "WillYiff4Skooma" isn't a meme. Maybe I should fix that.
Those moons? The corpse of a god. By the way, from what I gather about the lore, there's a third black moon out there. Totally not a Dragonlance reference. Also when the three are aligned properly, its extremely significant to the cat-folk. That's the plot of a whole damn Dragonlance book, damn it.
And these are tame compared to some of the other crap in there. Celtic Zulu with plant hearts. A god whose background reads like what would happen if the Kama Sutra became a religious text. Artificial gods made from mech-sized golems that break time over their knees.
Like, damn man.
It got me thinking. Other RPGs are usually no slouches in the bizarre department either.
Take Chrono Cross. We start with the primary (but largely ignored and all but unexplained) antagonist being a fusion of a giant space termite thing and a princess. It manages to manipulate all of space and time within the game world, creating two primary antagonist factions. The first is a supercomputer and it minions from the future, set adrift in the past and watching over the descendants of their creators, using what amounts to hypnotherapy and eugenics to get its way. The second, somewhat nastier bunch, is a city of dinosaur-descended reptile folk ripped from an alternate universe by the planet itself as a counter. Highlights include these elemental golem...doll...things, and a biocomputer that is an embodiment of all the local magical elements and happens to be a dragon with some sort of jewel laser mouth cannon. Oh, and after an apocalyptic battle with the first bunch, the biocomputer was fractured into seven dragon gods; three in one universe, three in another, and the seventh set adrift to screw around with main characters.
All this nuttiness is compounded by nobody bothering to explain this crap until the two final dungeons of the game! This was right when Square was in the middle of there hipster-esque "minimal explanation means maximum profundity" phase.
This is only two examples out of the many, many RPGs out there.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not some dullard that only goes for smash-and-grab, screw-the-plot antics. I love having complex stories and interesting backgrounds. There's a reason I own stuff like Tactics Ogre, Atelier Iris 1-3 (not at straightforward as they seem, trust me), multiple SaGa games, and so on and so on. But sometimes, I really don't get why game writers seem to come up with stuff that requires enough hits to buzz a Grateful Dead concert to actually figure out.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find something uncomplicated to do for a while.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Random Stupid Campaign Idea
So I was having my usual midnight brainbarf random though session and came up with an idea for a game campaign.
The concept revolves around friggin' tooth fairies. The characters are freshly sparkled dentition feys. Whether or not they are actual fairies spliced into d20 modern (or equivalent) or we come up with Borrowers-style antics are irrelevant. The campaign would be more-or-less mission-based, with two primary variants.
The first one would be nabbing kid's teeth and exchanging them for the usual reward. Random ninja-like antics would ensue, making stealth and/or pickpocket checks so you can make the snatch with waking the kids or the parents. More sociopathic (read: most) players would probable come up with crazy-ass schemes involving pliers and keeping the dough. Curbing such tendencies is optional, but child abuse should be met with the usual GM bullshit against freaks anyway.
The second variant would be the various horrible schemes to get the damn quarters to begin with. Relatively pedestrian stuff like raiding soda machines to holding up rest stops, maybe culminating in a climactic Death Star run on an armored car at Six Flags.
The endgame would involve revealing why we need all the teeth: The Dread Lord Bunny of Esternia is about to return, and his only weakness is stuff voluntarily removed from a child's skull for monetary gain. Preferably lauched at high velocity from a 12-gauge. Failure would mean the fairy people must toil for eternity mining for mineral eggs. One internet for guessing where I stole this part of the concept from.
All sorts of looney shit could be tossed in, like factions of tooth fairies competing for the most teeth. Wackjob mad dentists capturing characters for demented purposes like Cthulu-esque rituals to invoke the Dread Lord Bunny. Some asshole seeing through the masquerade and dissolving random schmucks to make pixie sticks. Horrible, horrible Tinker Bell-themed nightclubs.
Anyway, this is what was percolating in my head tonight.
The concept revolves around friggin' tooth fairies. The characters are freshly sparkled dentition feys. Whether or not they are actual fairies spliced into d20 modern (or equivalent) or we come up with Borrowers-style antics are irrelevant. The campaign would be more-or-less mission-based, with two primary variants.
The first one would be nabbing kid's teeth and exchanging them for the usual reward. Random ninja-like antics would ensue, making stealth and/or pickpocket checks so you can make the snatch with waking the kids or the parents. More sociopathic (read: most) players would probable come up with crazy-ass schemes involving pliers and keeping the dough. Curbing such tendencies is optional, but child abuse should be met with the usual GM bullshit against freaks anyway.
The second variant would be the various horrible schemes to get the damn quarters to begin with. Relatively pedestrian stuff like raiding soda machines to holding up rest stops, maybe culminating in a climactic Death Star run on an armored car at Six Flags.
The endgame would involve revealing why we need all the teeth: The Dread Lord Bunny of Esternia is about to return, and his only weakness is stuff voluntarily removed from a child's skull for monetary gain. Preferably lauched at high velocity from a 12-gauge. Failure would mean the fairy people must toil for eternity mining for mineral eggs. One internet for guessing where I stole this part of the concept from.
All sorts of looney shit could be tossed in, like factions of tooth fairies competing for the most teeth. Wackjob mad dentists capturing characters for demented purposes like Cthulu-esque rituals to invoke the Dread Lord Bunny. Some asshole seeing through the masquerade and dissolving random schmucks to make pixie sticks. Horrible, horrible Tinker Bell-themed nightclubs.
Anyway, this is what was percolating in my head tonight.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Live Oaks is Bad, And WG Should Feel Bad
I hate that damn map. Dying with a face full of soggy wood does not make my day.
Been quietly considering getting back into 40k. Some of those models look damn sweet, and to hell with the damn rules anyway. The Dark Blood Templar Wolf-Smurfs will probably be back in action soon. Deathwing Knights FTW!
Skyrim is going very well. I no longer live in fear of bandit chiefs, while most everything else stopped being a threat long ago. Looting dwarven ruins is still an absolute hoot, though. Legate Wulfe the Unhinged is happily making those damn Gollum wannabes snarl for their mama and turning robots into shiny shiny bitz for the bitz can. Windstad Manor AKA The Swag Shack, is finally fully operational, with materials kindly donated by idiotic bandits and the dumbest giants this side of New York. The process had been accelerated greatly thanks to that guy in Morthal and the respawning vampire menace nearby. Now if I could just get some damn general merchants or fences to move closer.
Oh, and they handed me explosive crossbow bolts. Run my shiny chunks of XP, RUN!
Been quietly considering getting back into 40k. Some of those models look damn sweet, and to hell with the damn rules anyway. The Dark Blood Templar Wolf-Smurfs will probably be back in action soon. Deathwing Knights FTW!
Skyrim is going very well. I no longer live in fear of bandit chiefs, while most everything else stopped being a threat long ago. Looting dwarven ruins is still an absolute hoot, though. Legate Wulfe the Unhinged is happily making those damn Gollum wannabes snarl for their mama and turning robots into shiny shiny bitz for the bitz can. Windstad Manor AKA The Swag Shack, is finally fully operational, with materials kindly donated by idiotic bandits and the dumbest giants this side of New York. The process had been accelerated greatly thanks to that guy in Morthal and the respawning vampire menace nearby. Now if I could just get some damn general merchants or fences to move closer.
Oh, and they handed me explosive crossbow bolts. Run my shiny chunks of XP, RUN!
Original Thinking
It doesn't happen much anymore.
Another tale of Legate Wulfe The Unhinged came today. Did the Malacath daedric quest more or less for the hell of it. Wound up at this stronghold of Klingons--wait, Orcs getting ganked by a giant. Apparently the chieftain,Gowron Yamarz managed to displease Kahless Malacath. He was summoned by the Monks of Boreth Atub and told the guy to man up. After some oddly manly whining, he got squished by a different giant and I wound up with the Sword of Kahless Volendrung, which looked kinda Khorne-ey.
I also digged up some info on the Dark Brotherhood quests. You get to wear a chef's hat. Behold as the Dragonborn tears about with the fearsome shout BOY AR DEE, that smothers his foes in canned ravioli and BORK BORK BORK which summons deadly ethereal chocolate mooses. And finally CHEF RAM ZEY, that doesn't do much but intimidate anybody within 50 meters of a cooking pot.
Also, burninating trolls never gets old.
Another tale of Legate Wulfe The Unhinged came today. Did the Malacath daedric quest more or less for the hell of it. Wound up at this stronghold of Klingons--wait, Orcs getting ganked by a giant. Apparently the chieftain,
I also digged up some info on the Dark Brotherhood quests. You get to wear a chef's hat. Behold as the Dragonborn tears about with the fearsome shout BOY AR DEE, that smothers his foes in canned ravioli and BORK BORK BORK which summons deadly ethereal chocolate mooses. And finally CHEF RAM ZEY, that doesn't do much but intimidate anybody within 50 meters of a cooking pot.
Also, burninating trolls never gets old.
Friday, August 29, 2014
If You Give A Mouse A Cookie...
Clear your browser cache, dumbass.
Anyway, been tearing about with the new tanks in WoT. Came up with a funny concept.
Battlebrix, new from Hasbro. Look in wonder as mighty heroes and vile villains struggle to reach speeds of THREE! Gaze in awe while they pour milk on fresh fired shells and proceed to munch! Behold in reverence as they throw tracks like a boss!
We could have special sets like the Churchill Brothers that guzzle tea and be all stiff upper lipped. The Mighty TOG that has special steamtroller powers. Make them mooks go squish! These guys could even have limited runs painted in blue and including free jelly babies.
Then things like D.W. that delivers pain in 30 minutes or less or your money back! King Tiger, the first tank to attend a Furcon!
Hell even E6-X, with its supreme scare-the-locust-shitless powers.
Battlebrix! Buy them today and watch them squash evil...eventually!
Anyway, been tearing about with the new tanks in WoT. Came up with a funny concept.
Battlebrix, new from Hasbro. Look in wonder as mighty heroes and vile villains struggle to reach speeds of THREE! Gaze in awe while they pour milk on fresh fired shells and proceed to munch! Behold in reverence as they throw tracks like a boss!
We could have special sets like the Churchill Brothers that guzzle tea and be all stiff upper lipped. The Mighty TOG that has special steamtroller powers. Make them mooks go squish! These guys could even have limited runs painted in blue and including free jelly babies.
Then things like D.W. that delivers pain in 30 minutes or less or your money back! King Tiger, the first tank to attend a Furcon!
Hell even E6-X, with its supreme scare-the-locust-shitless powers.
Battlebrix! Buy them today and watch them squash evil...eventually!
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