Well, I'm still plodding along in Tales of Symphonia. I still can't claim to have great strides in the game so far. I finally laid the smackdown on the Asgard Human Ranch. Rather than a place for Skyrim vampires to hang out and do bad things to Nords, it's a place where half-elf supremacists hang out and turn people into Soul Stones/Magicite/Cupcakes. Just to make sure you know this place is over-the-top evil, the lunatic running the place (Kvar) is pretty much what you'd get if Grand Moff Tarkin decided to be a DBZ character. I'm not making this up.
I'm still very unclear on how the whole "World Regeneration" quest is supposed to get rid of all these freaks. Even (SPOILER!) with the whole world being split in twain deal going on, I don't see much evidence of regeneration even chasing them off to the other side (end SPOILER). The only thing that makes even the least bit of sense is that they're going to update to Fourth Edition D&D rules, so they're stockpiling grimdark power-ups to take on the hordes of Dragonborn CoDzillas that are about to along. Why play anime Tanis when you can be big badass dragonman?
Oh crap I just had a bad idea. Screw half-elf supremacists, I can do one better.
Kender supremacists! In a world where even JRPG logic gets drunk and passes out in a gutter (next to his buddy cop show logic), kender were merely an irritant. Then it got worse; a foolish group of magic users undertook the impossible task of making kender likable!
Their well-meaning but depraved rituals misfired. None now live that can show the truth of the matter; there are whispers of a potion known as 'Dew of the Mountain Original Formula,' a cartographer known as 'Dora,' and a conclave of dread beings named 'the Gwar.' Perhaps a friendly purple lizard-man, perhaps a collection of used gym socks soaked in bad soy sauce. It does not matter.
It does not matter! These changed kinder have now banded together, unleashing a tide of violence and oppression rarely seen outside of gaming fora. After toppling the seats of government (literally, they stole load-bearing members of relevant castles and suchlike), they subjected leaders and prominent figures to humiliating hoopak-whackings. Those who begged for mercy were named "Squeaky Toys" and herded into ramshackle arenas to fight bizarre plushie golems. The rest of the people are now subject to horrors like drivebys (being kender, just a wagon tearing down the street making racket with hoopaks) and rampant caffeine-driven kleptomania. Artisans and craftsman are now stuck in sweatshops where they are forced to make all manner of random objects. Those who will not or cannot comply are made Squeaky Toys.
Now, a group of brave adventurers must sally forth and infiltrate the kender's mighty treetop fortresses, where none have entered and returned alive with their pants still on. Kender like belt buckles. If these heroes should fail, the Five Grand Cockatiels will lead us all to fates dark and unpleasant, as decreed by the dread being known as Jar-Jar. Seriously, everyone will have embarrassing rashes and be flung into wading pools filled with tapioca.
The heroes will have help. A resistance group formed from disgruntled Firefly fans are seeking the Chosen One, who shall be granted the power of the Ultimate Splatbook, journey to the five remaining good Huddle Houses and gain the power to cover kender in Nyquil.
Are you a bad enough dude to tranq Jar-Jar, defeat the kender hordes, and save pockets and armoires everywhere?
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